Some will have thought, why do i have so many friends in my friends list and phone but i always look like i have no friends because i seldom pick up my phone and keep using them. First reason, Simple. i was lazy and i'm still and. Secondly, there's no reason to chat to people in facebook because most of them who initiate the conversation are guys, and they're always trying to hit on me, i'm not pretty and what's worst, i have no confidence. Even if there are guys who might seem average or worst. I'm not good either. Complexion and fats and skins are things that are poison to me. Hair seems to be ok right now, but during those past few years, they're not. Spectacles ain't a problem anymore because i can wear contact lens. But i'm not someone who's willing to dress up just to impress guys and friends. If i really put on make up and wear something really nice. It's either because it's a miracle that there's some clothing out there that can make me look better without showing my belly. or someone who i like, or! i wear it for myself. I don't like being fake and i totally detest the idea of dressing up just to impress some guys whom i'm not interested in. I am a person who laugh because something is funny, smile because i can, say something that i can. So when there're things that aren't that polite, i don't say them. The reason why old friends said that i've changed to be someone who's quiet, don't talk much. Apparently, not only in their eyes but mine as well, i'm not that fun and steady anymore. Although i wish that i can be bubbly again, part of me is thankful that i've grown up a little and know that it's not right to say things that are hurtful. Thirdly, i have no intention of making many new friends because nowadays people aren't real anymore. What's worse is those guys trying to hit on me, when they are ugly. yes, you can scold me for that, i will have karma for that. but it's true. I'd rather be honest, yes? look, there's even someone as annoying as hell when i purposely do not want to reply him simply because he has a girlfriend. the first question he asked was can he know me. I told him that if his gf dont mind, i won't either. I'm not that of a bitch who broke up other people's relationship. He didn't reply till a month later. and keep wanting to get my number, asking me to meet him and such. and he happened to be my friend's ex boyfriend's ex friend. So we agreed to meet up one day with my other friends as well because my communication skill has failed me and i have no wish to meet someone whom i'm not close with. My friends even imitate him in front of me by doing what he did in a picture and sent me. He keep asking me SOOOO many times if he's ugly and such, at first, i have no means of hurting him, so i told him i didn't view his profile so i have no idea how he look like, he send me two retarded photo. One of them is that. yes, he's making himself a joke. It's still bearable when he even send me those photos, not to mention that he keep asking me those questions again. but the fact that i have school tml, even told him, and there's no mrt anymore, he's fucking late and he let me and my friends wait for him, the fuck. Never mind that, but he's late the second time as well, when i told him not to come, and said that he's at a blk somewhere which apparently, doesn't exist to my friend who work in a block just a number difference away. that's the second fuck up he did. what was worst is that he keep complaining and saying about his girlfriend and what she did and he wanted to break up with her and such. so after the second meet up, i told him what i think. That if i'm his girlfriend i'd probably slap him hard in the face and such. i said mean things, and even told him since he like the way that i'm honest and straightforward i am going to be. I thought that i have no rights to do that at first since i'm a no one. But he really needs to wake up. and the next thing i saw, was his girlfriend post videos and such and even post on his wall saying she love him. but no, i'm not going to be someone who's so bitchy and tell his girlfriend such things. Later become my fault, yes?
Is there anyone here who doesn't like hearing anything new about themselves. In some circumstances, you will find yourself not knowing the way you are acting like or what you are doing normally in front of others. For me, I'm done being a rebellious teenager, 'ah lian' whom most of my friends and school mates refers me as. I've done the most bad things compared to my siblings. The fact that my brother was a gangster, smoke, fight, and even went to jail before, and even went in to the boys home just to avoid going to jail. My sister who smoke and her temper? I guess that i'm lucky not having to go in to the jail. I have started smoking since primary five, Being ah lian since sec 1, picking fights ever since then, stealing since i was young and then again, when i was in secondary school, thrice, but luckily enough, my boss, William and another employer, did not refer me to the police and instead, tried to help me, because they used to be young too and they, are rebellious as well. I started hanging with the wrong people, doing those wrong stuffs, having the longest relationship with one of my boyfriend, and doing something even wrong, and eventually, i led myself into this state. I was pregnant at 16, given birth at 17. Gave birth and sent the baby for adoption, one of the hardest thing that i have to do, because i have no ability of taking care of the baby, and mum has to take care of father who has been sent to the hospital, reason being, because of me, his blood pressure went up, and thus, he landed in the hospital. To be frank, i have no face to see him at the time. It was the most horrible year i've went through. Who knew that after a few years, only then i'd realised who my true friends are. In fact, i have nobody by my side. even my parents can't be. One of the most heartfelt words my mum told me was, 'You are the most sensible out of all three." What grandma said was 'Why are you so foolish, why did you do such things?" Being alone wasn't the hardest, instead it's those words that i've been hearing, they keep repeating in my mind. Mum always spent her time in the hospital accompany father, working two odd jobs at the time, siblings don't help, not only at them not taking jobs, but they won't help in doing housework as well. It's hard for mum because she has to take care of my two siblings, do housework, take care of me, working, rushing to see dad, having phone calls that keep ringing for a lot of the days for almost the same reason, "My dad can't seem to live on." I remember having to shout on top of my voice as well, just to get my two siblings to help me in the household because it was actually my fault that things turned out this way, i still feel it now. But even shouting doesn't help. It only makes me more infuriated and frustrated, and i have to keep banging the bedroom doors loudly to show that i'm pissed, and getting even pissed with the fact that my siblings still don't care. And my boyfriend at that time, he doesn't even know what i'm going through, telling him what i've went through doesn't help and at times, he tends to make things even worse for me, and my mood. They said that getting angry everytime when being pregnant isn't a good sign, but that year, i've blown my temper a lot, my family, him, and even those work place people who are really nuisance. Having to face the fact that my best friend isn't that best as well, hurts too. But i even forgave her at that time. The reason why i forgave was easy, i put friends as my first priority, others, next. No matter how many arguements she has with her boyfriend that time, going over to her place to stay and such, skipping school just to go to her house, i thought that i was happy enough, never have i thought that those are the darkest moment. During those times when everything happened, i can't even go up to sec 5, not that i can study and turn up in school and pass anway, i went to hair fashion design but they can't accept pregnant students. so i just work. In fact my stomach was quite big already. probably about 5 months? it was only! only until my boss, william came and talk to me, asking me to his office, saying he heard somethings and that me saying that i'm tired and such, he asked me if i was pregnant, i told him yes, he asked me to tell my mum about it, and i told him i wanted to, but my boyfriend don't dare to, so he told me he will speak to him about it. But even after he talk to my boyfriend, he still didn't tell, and we have to bring my best friend at that time, and her boyfriend over to my place. Mum was chatting with them happily at first, i kept shooting glances at my bf, signaling him to tell but all he did was to keep shaking his head. If he don't tell, how am i supposed to, i was worried sick. By then it was really late already, and they both have to go. so my best friend told my mum that i'm pregnant. at first, mum was hoping that she had heard wrongly, but after hearing it twice, she immediately face me and asked if it was true, and said that she has to tell dad. she told my bf to bring his parents over the next day to talk about it. and it was then, she said that most heartbreaking sentence i've mentioned above. The next day, grandparents and my smallest aunty came over, and it's hell scary as well, The second thing i'm scared about, after knowing my pregnancy. Before that i went over to expo in the morning, keep calling my bf and he's not even picking up his phone, making me worse. I was too worried, that one, he's not going to come, secondly, he's not going to tell his parents, and what am i supposed to tell my mum, and thirdly, he can just left me suddenly. It's only until afternoon when i reached home and pretend to be tired and pretend to be asleep, and mum call me and said that they have arrived. The third scariest thing, that is. they came and talk, but i'm still worried, like how will his parents think of me and such. and he even smile and tried to disturb me when they are leaving, even making me more angry. Facing all these aren't the only problem, i can't walk freely like i used to in my neighbourhood, cause my mum doesn't want others to say anything. So he has to keep visit me. But then, i have to face my working colleagues as well. and in fact, they are horrible, and those include people like my best friend and her boyfriend, heartwrenching it is. I gave birth on the second of april and i got somehow disgusted with my boyfriend who wrap his arms around me when the good looking couple who came to adopt my son, shake hands with us, which in fact, he had not done it before. During the night when i gave birth, i carried the baby and i was laughing and the baby keep bouncing together with my stomach, make me laugh even more. that was the only memorable thing that i have with my newborn. And right now , i don't even have his picture anymore and my ex, now, doesn't even want to give me his picture, with the reason that i gave him the cd and original picture the adopted parents have given us, because he has no laptop at the time. and he won't even give me my son's picture back. yes? Those happened in 2010. I started ITE in 2011, and i still have not changed my old habits, i can just pick up fight in the streets with people who are just staring at me, when i have a bad temper, as well as shouting and scolding my colleagues who worked with me just because i'm a trainer, which is not fair at all to them, and i thought that i did the best that i can. In fact, i did all wrong. I even get pregnant once again, and i have to abort it, one of the hardest decision i have to make because my boyfriend has an accident, and it's either i tell my family about me being pregnant again and what had happened before will happen again, or to abort and wait for my karma. I can't say that's the best decision, because if only i have someone to guide me, i probably won't do it again. Like they said, What had happened once will definitely happen again. Agin, no help is given, and it's my sister who accompany me to the hospital. Family is the only one you can turn to. I finally broke up with him last year, because he's a malaysian and he won't even want to be a Singapore PR. It's only till i've broke up with him and he come to my house and i don't have enough time to hide, and he keep touching me and talking to me and stuffs, till my mum can't take it any longer and ask me to go to my bedroom and pretend that i'm sleeping, and she will asked him to go. And i actually met up with him again the next day, and even tell me that i'm his girlfriend what, makes me even sick. Nevertheless, i tried moving on and i'm glad that Eddy has accompanied me the next following months before he went to poly. Also, i'm glad that i have friends like ziying, joanne and Gina, that i've grown up quite a lot, and ain't acting the way i used to be. I used to be really bitchy, really. looking at those things i've done, the way i talked. and even sep said that i have the 'du shu lian' the face that can study, right now, unlike the past , the way i talk behave and such. In fact , i know i've changed quite a lot but didn't know that it was this much, I'm not trying to praise myself or what. But it's just that i wanted to show that not everyone are that bad, in fact, it's not their fault that they are, they just need guidance, some time, and willingness to do that. Right now, i've distance from quite a lot of people , in fact, those whom i'm sticking to are my three school clique, and mind you, we've changed quite a lot, sharing things as well. And we are really doing good, keep laughing almost everyday in school, unlike last time, when one of us are in a bad mood, the rest will be as well. I'm sure going to miss them although i know we won't be like now in the future. we won't be that close either, Like what i've always said, friendships don't last. Lots of things happened within these two year as well. and it was hard not having a boyfriend, really, someone who i used to be able to lean on and such. I only have myself right now. There's no use telling many people about your stuffs. Things get out of other peoples' mouth fast! So don't trust everybody, just being friends and having fun will do. The only thing that sucks is when you really want to confine your secrets or problems in other people and you find that you have no one to turn to. Don't mind that either, There's only you in your future. you can't rely on anyone else anymore. there's only you for yourselves. And yes, the pregnancy, it was actually one of my darkest secret, i have another but i'm not going to tell, that's not going to teach you anything, in fact, i shared it over here because i thought that others could have know about this as well. knowing and having sex is different from not knowing anything and having sex and not knowing what to do. It's till these two years that i have become matured a little, and understand my mum a little. It's really hard on her knowing what she had experienced when she has us as well.and please people. i might not be who i am two years before, it doesnt meant that i can't be bitchy back again, dont cross my line, ever. i won't know what i'm going to do. People who are kpo, im not going to bother, People who really needs a listening ear, i'm here. Because i know what's it's like to have no one for you, i'm trying to help as much people as i can. and yes, it took me a lot of courage to post this. So, don't look at me differently, 我也是过来人. ps. i'm not checking my corrections, because i'm too tired to do that. sorry!
