12 jan 2009 - 25 jun 2012. thanks for giving me everything i should have.

What can i say? we have been through four years, so many happy and unhappy memories, and suddenly it just disappear, although im the one who said i want it off, but seriously, it has suddenly gotten into me that i cant behave chilish anymore, i cant throw my irritation to just anybody, and i felt that i could not even love myself, as i have done so many terrible things. i wish i can just have a replacement of you, no i dont miss you, i felt sorry to you instead that you have been there for me and i just , dont love you anymore. i told myself, even now, that our feeling was real, at least there's some of it left during your birthday, but when it reaches my birthday, it's like, out of a sudden, as if you knew that im going to leave you, you came and celebrate my birthday with me for the first time despite those past three years you did not, it's been four years, short to those old people, long to those teenagers, to me, i still cant figure out if it's a good thing or a bad thing that i had met you, because both are the reason. i don't love you anymore, and i think im sure of it, it's just that i miss having someone i can throw my temper at although it's not their fault, and then suddenly i have no one to turn to, like no one i can share everything with. it's just. not the same anymore. i do not wish that you will come back to me, instead, i wish someone willl quickly come and take over you. but what im sure of, is that no one can take me like you did. i knew that it's been hard on you too. i am a very unreasonable to you, even if it's not your fault, it turned out to be yours now. and i knew that if we were to go back tgt, the feelings are still not going to come back, and im going to feel weirder before. i sincerely wish that somebody will guide me out of here. i felt like it's a punishment, i hope that you will find someone else and let me take the blame alone, because you should find someone else who will appreciate you, i did not seize the chance that i received and you did not blame me for that, i felt that it will be better if im the one who should just , get all the blame and everything. i wish i can wrote what im thinking over her, but no.

Harloww.  :) mmmm, im broke, so yeah, bye. hehe, kidding kidding (jokwon's voice.) it's the last week of school this week. Will be having a stupid chalet which i have already thought that it will be more than boring since not much people will be there and there's nothing to do, even if we are going to sing song, we can't be singing for the whole day ma! tsk! sibei sian! have to start working already, and it's getting even worse, and i dont think i will stay there for quite long. Anyway, i just hope that i will be able to learn every single stuff about driving, take my test, and i wont be bothered so much about money and how long it will drag, cause it's too tiring to go for an hour lesson each week. T.T Have been quite irritated with some people cause of their actions and the way they speak, argh! have been trying to ignore, also, this past few months are the worst, im unable to wake up on time at all, and have always been late, switch off alarm , immediately drift back to sleep. really need someone to morning call me already, this is such a disaster, and a warning letter has been sent to me, it's like woah, been past 2 years plus since i last received something like that? hmm, doesnt matter anyway, dont like that course either, so i dont mind quiting, i study for the sake of my future and i see no point at all if i wasted my years and cant even go up to poly, yes, im getting old and stupid already, nothing goes into my mind, and i tried my best to stop the irritation, even showing irritation that i did not show before. ANYWAY, eddy is out there in china and i have never been bored like this before, i have no idea why i behave in such a way that everyone will have thought we are couple, and never have i ever miss him before, since we behave like we are close but we are not that close at all, although he's one of the listeners' i have, but there are still somethings that i wish i can share with him, but everything will then turn out different. and i sincerely hope that i did not like him so i wont get so close and sticky to him, cause he's such a boredom sometimes, hehe, later he scold me if he see this,keke. and,, if,, only if i happen to really like him, i already have the mindset that it will turned out to be a disaster, both of us have temper, and his temper is cold one, i dont like, and mine is hot one, i dont like it either but it's way better than cold temper. and what if i share those stuffs with him, by that time, we wont even be friends lo, and yes, since a lot of people said we behave like couple, i did think if we did or not, i think so, yes, so eventually, i thought of what will happen if we really are. and he's not the type that will find someone like me, haha, so yea, i wish i can start disturbing him back when he's back on friday. ^^ no couple aye. at least i dont think so, and i might and might not be truthful as im still not sure what im feeling and thinking since i did think of shiva sometimes. so,, let's hope everything will be fine.