Destroy what destroys you

Sunday, November 11, 2012

4:58 AM

I feel stupid, angry and disappointment at myself. I wish i have never done those things in the past, I wish that i have never starts to work in the first place, i wish absolute everything that happened today has actually not happen. I just wish, that time could have go back in the first place and that i wont be that stupid either. I will have an average result, i will have go up to poly, i will be in the same level as my same age friend, i wont be so old, forgetful, shitty, hot tempered, regretful, guilty, disappointed, and jealous right now. Im jealous, that people who are slim/pretty/cute/people with no scar or fats/people who received so much love from others/ people who are able to think for themselves only/people who know what they want for themselves/people who is able to work and get what they want to achiever/people who wont back down despite falling so many times/people who can be so independent and they dont need any friends and wont get knocked over by those who criticize them. i wish i can fuck myself, im always wishing that people will understand how they feel or what i feel that they can do and they will do it. i know that they are not me, and neither have they been through the same situation as me. im feeling as fuck up as ever. fuck it, im stress. fuck stress. my family, i wish, i wont have to be bothered. yes, there are happy memories, some parts of them. i just wish that! my dad does not have any illness, i wish my whole bloody family have good tempers, manners, respects for each other, i wont fucking want a new family of mine to deserve what im getting. But where am i? i can only blame myself, i can't study, i cant memorise anything, i have a bloody temper and it just dont work on me. im lazy, im pathetic, i wish i will stop thinking for others and hope that others will think for me. im an idiot, this is not a target, it's a dream. i mess everything up since im 14. Fuck me when im 14 years old. blame myself for doing so many wrong things. i hate myself, and i know it very well that this is my karma. and im supposed to face it. although ziying keep telling me, that i have this and that, im not bad. i know she just wants to calm me down i suppose? thanks. but it's really not working, i know very wel what im doing, and im unable to stop myself. i have no control of myself, and im stuck in all these situation. im sucha dog. when im irritated, fed up, fred, annoyed, i can get even more irritated at others even though it's not their fault and they cant be blamed. i just want to receive love i guess? i dont need people who dont understand me and came and talk to me. but the problem is, i dont understand myself either, i cant make up my choice, it's not about buying this or that, so easy, my choice has never been mine as im so indecisive. i have cork up my future, and all i can do is to wish that things will turn better, im in no control of turning everything to positive. i wish i can write what im thinking, what happened, how i feel and how i wish things could turn for the better. but if im gonna say a wrong thing, that's it. my life, it's hanging on the edge right now. im feeling even depressed, and iim feeling even more depressed when i cant even get my maths right. an when customers came in and talk to me, i felt like im a shit, im so stupid. i cant even do a single thing right, all because he ask me to say yes or no, i was angry, i control my temper, and when an old uncle who just cut the queue directly in front of me, i was so piss, i tolerate, and i just dont know how much i can tolerate, i tried my best to keep myself shut by keep focusing on the show that im watching, i ended up crying because i felt even more fuck up than before. my relationships? those were fuck up too. im sorry. im really sorry for everything, i have never felt so disappointed and depressed at myself like this before. i totally felt like i just have to have the world right now, or hoping that the world will really end. i, just want peace, i want to change myself, but i have not learn how to. im not that strong, i wish i am though, im feeling so pathetic. i wish i know how to convey what im thinking.

NOTE

Not for tagboard. Sorry not sorry.
NOTES FOR MYSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE.

1. Know yourself.
2. Understand what makes you feel great.
3. Recognize things that get you down.
4. Set goals to achieve what you want.
5. Develop trusting friendships that makes you feel good.
6. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
7. Stand up for your beliefs and values.
8. Help someone else.
9. Take responsibility for your own actions.
10. Take good care of yourself.

Think positively.
Exercise daily.
Eat healthy.
Work hard.
Stay strong.
Worry less.
Dance more.
Love often.
Be happy.

"Never expect too much. When you get your hopes up. You hurt yourself more than you need to."

Travelling all over the world
Trying all sorts of food over the world
Having different types of experiences.
Nature
Scenery
Photography
Acting
Singing
Having fun
Eating

Hating isn't on my list. It's time to love myself more.
I distance myself from people for a reason. A good one.
Destroy what destroys you.
Free Myself

Treasure the unknown last.
Anything could be the last.
You are not in competition with anybody but yourself
Plan to outdo yourself.
Not other people.

Believe you can and you're halfway there.
- Theodore Roosevelt

Making a big life change is pretty scary
But regret is much scarier.

If you don't go after what you want
You'll never have it.
If you don't ask
The answer is always no.
If you don't go forward
You're always in the same place.

The lesser you care
The happier you will be.

Keep shits to youself
In reality, no one give a fuck.

DECIDE.COMMIT.SUCCEED.