hihi! hmm, i dont know what i should say, mm, maybe i shall start from those happy memories, went to pubor house that day with peiying, and it was havoc as we started to take photos using pubor's lappy, and were trying to squeeze and block each other in the picture, mainly aiming at peiying the most, haha! it was supposed to be a h2h talk that day but at least we did have fun, we thought we will be sober, but sep was meeting eric they all for movie about midnight, so we just bought 6 cans of beers, so that she will be able to find them , so we have two each as peiying is not able to drink. it was really fun, i swear. even after that day, i went through some of the photos and i still laugh, we took a total of more than 400 pics. yeah, we went home at 11 plus after cancelling our dinner-supper plans cause sep is rushing to meet them, and then , yesterday we went to kbox. we called along jun siong and eddy, cause jun siong works there, and eddy bithday has just passed, so we can sun bian surprise him, but he knows that. eesh! haha! there there's one cantonese song, he knows how to sing, so siong says he's cantonese, he say he hokkien, so i say, you chorlor one la? haha! then he say no lor. haha! cause there's this phrase saying that hokkien people are chor lor people. haha! then i think he feel bad cause he have to leave early for a friend's grandma's funeral. then he say sun come find me, so i told him i work at shaw plaza, he ask me where that place is, then say not going to find me, haha! then before we met up, i went to meet siong to buy cake first, i purposely went up to his house to find him cause i know he will drag, end up i went into his house, and his grandmother talk a lot to me, then one of the thing she asked is, why i never go their house for so long alr, then siong say cause of his grandpa and his temper too scary? wtf! i did not say that, at all. he ah! always anyhow change words , always anyhow say it's this or that person. (EVERYTIME). WTF!there's alot of other things as well, although it wasnt that fun as how it was on that day when we go pubor house. anyway, after that jun siong have to work, peiying go somewhere eddy attend a funeral. so left me and pubor, we went off at about 8 to find karen jason and zhiwei. they actually wanted to go see movie and cycle after that, but nah, we dress a bit nicer yesterday so, no.. haha! after that me and pubor went to inter, and we shared something else. :/ hmm. :(

I feel stupid, angry and disappointment at myself. I wish i have never done those things in the past, I wish that i have never starts to work in the first place, i wish absolute everything that happened today has actually not happen. I just wish, that time could have go back in the first place and that i wont be that stupid either. I will have an average result, i will have go up to poly, i will be in the same level as my same age friend, i wont be so old, forgetful, shitty, hot tempered, regretful, guilty, disappointed, and jealous right now. Im jealous, that people who are slim/pretty/cute/people with no scar or fats/people who received so much love from others/ people who are able to think for themselves only/people who know what they want for themselves/people who is able to work and get what they want to achiever/people who wont back down despite falling so many times/people who can be so independent and they dont need any friends and wont get knocked over by those who criticize them. i wish i can fuck myself, im always wishing that people will understand how they feel or what i feel that they can do and they will do it. i know that they are not me, and neither have they been through the same situation as me. im feeling as fuck up as ever. fuck it, im stress. fuck stress. my family, i wish, i wont have to be bothered. yes, there are happy memories, some parts of them. i just wish that! my dad does not have any illness, i wish my whole bloody family have good tempers, manners, respects for each other, i wont fucking want a new family of mine to deserve what im getting. But where am i? i can only blame myself, i can't study, i cant memorise anything, i have a bloody temper and it just dont work on me. im lazy, im pathetic, i wish i will stop thinking for others and hope that others will think for me. im an idiot, this is not a target, it's a dream. i mess everything up since im 14. Fuck me when im 14 years old. blame myself for doing so many wrong things. i hate myself, and i know it very well that this is my karma. and im supposed to face it. although ziying keep telling me, that i have this and that, im not bad. i know she just wants to calm me down i suppose? thanks. but it's really not working, i know very wel what im doing, and im unable to stop myself. i have no control of myself, and im stuck in all these situation. im sucha dog. when im irritated, fed up, fred, annoyed, i can get even more irritated at others even though it's not their fault and they cant be blamed. i just want to receive love i guess? i dont need people who dont understand me and came and talk to me. but the problem is, i dont understand myself either, i cant make up my choice, it's not about buying this or that, so easy, my choice has never been mine as im so indecisive. i have cork up my future, and all i can do is to wish that things will turn better, im in no control of turning everything to positive. i wish i can write what im thinking, what happened, how i feel and how i wish things could turn for the better. but if im gonna say a wrong thing, that's it. my life, it's hanging on the edge right now. im feeling even depressed, and iim feeling even more depressed when i cant even get my maths right. an when customers came in and talk to me, i felt like im a shit, im so stupid. i cant even do a single thing right, all because he ask me to say yes or no, i was angry, i control my temper, and when an old uncle who just cut the queue directly in front of me, i was so piss, i tolerate, and i just dont know how much i can tolerate, i tried my best to keep myself shut by keep focusing on the show that im watching, i ended up crying because i felt even more fuck up than before. my relationships? those were fuck up too. im sorry. im really sorry for everything, i have never felt so disappointed and depressed at myself like this before. i totally felt like i just have to have the world right now, or hoping that the world will really end. i, just want peace, i want to change myself, but i have not learn how to. im not that strong, i wish i am though, im feeling so pathetic. i wish i know how to convey what im thinking.

I wish - FT Island <3

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